along with being in the military is hard. Really hard. I have found myself going back and forth this week with wanting to stay in and wanting to get out. I found myself crying leaving Connor a few times this week and it hit me: I really, REALLY want to be home, but am frightened at having the responsibility it will bring. I have turned in my paperwork to go into the guard or reserves and should find out pretty soon what the status is on that.
Thanks to Brooke, who always makes me think, I have been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has totally opened my eyes to the wonder and mystery of being a woman in ways that I have never seen. To think that we were God's final touch of his masterpiece. We were made to replenish, nourish and bring life to mankind.
So, to tie that in to the motherhood thing: no one can explain how much you love someone else. Really. I would give my arm for Connor to be happy or healthy or safe. I can see why my mom worked three jobs, went on welfare and gave up her own life for us. It all makes sense to me now. I have been nursing Connor and have been disappointed that I've had to start supplementing formula, but with my workload, I can't pump enough to sustain him for the day...and you can't explain to anyone else how that feels. That disappointment.
So, this is kind of all blabbing, but it has really been a tough couple of weeks. I want to be home so bad, but at work too. I want to be everything for everyone..but I have to stop and be Courtney. So, time to relax, take some leave and replenish my stamina....I can do this!!
