Time to Breathe!

PHEW! It has been a wedding whirl-wind, but in a good way. I am actually kinda sad that they are all over. I never thought I would cry at a wedding, but I totally lost it at both Ashley's and Megan's. To see men cry, well, it makes me cry too. At Ashley's I lost it during the vows. At Megan's, I totally lost it walking down the isle. What I wish I would have said at both weddings, but there was no way I could muster it all out...

Ashley, I know we didn't always get along...but...you are always the one I looked up to, wanted to be like, dress like, act like, and just do everything like you.  You had it all in my opinion and always made me a better person.   You have a unique ability to just be YOU and that makes everyone else around you just happy.  I have no idea how you forgive like you do, but it amazes me and I so wish I could.  I love how you and Ryan just ARE.  You are so comfortable where you are in life and I wish I could learn to just BE like you two.  Ryan is like a brother to me-he has always looked out for me in his own way.  Although I do remember him threatening to beat up Chris a few times.  I wish he would have just kicked me instead!  I love you both so much and am so excited on where life is leading you two!

Megan, you are 100% my best friend.  You are the one person I always answer my phone to and one person I always want to call.  When I moved to Wichita Falls, I was miserable because I couldn't find anyone like you here-but there is no other you and I have comes to terms with that after three and a half years here.  You have a special gift in listening to God's plan and what he has set for you and following through with that plan.  You not only listen, but you obey every command.  If you hadn't you wouldn't be a married woman right now!  I love how our frienship has evolved over the past 8 years-from being loud and crazy after a few too many margaritas to being totally comfortable with a cup of coffee and book to read.  Wade is the man we have all prayed for and I am so excited that you are a MARRIED WOMAN!!

Micki :)

So, for 11 months now, Micki has been taking pictures of Connor once a month...and you know what I realized? I did not have ONE picture of her doing it. She has been such an important person in our lives because she is capturing what we couldn't. Not only that, but she is a mother of two and always gives me great advice. I always look forward to the one hour, once a month just to chat it up with someone different. So, I snuck in with my cheap-o snap and shoot and got two. Maybe next month we can actually do a posed :)

Mask

"If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask...with nothing beneath it?"

Isn't that powerful? James and I have been talking and trying to examine our own authenticity. It sometimes feels that we are not truly who we are around certain people, and them us. I had a discussion with our small group and mentioned that I feel more comfortable around my non-Christian friends...here's why: They get me. They accept me. I don't have to pretend. I can fully disclose my past and they don't care. I like that. I want that same level of disclosure with my very-Christian friends too though...but that is going to take me TAKING OFF THE MASK and not caring what they think....because Jesus is the only true judge and he already knows all of my mistakes, failures, and slip-ups.

New Years resolutions to me are somewhat dumb. But this year, I am going to resolve to stop hiding behind the "Baptist mask"-that who I was made me who I am and my past is just that-the past. I am resolving to be truly authentic and to surround myself with the same attitude. I have only told one person my full story here in Wichita Falls (Brooke, you lucky girl!) and maybe it is time to fully disclose a few dark chapters so that the happy chapters can be shared too.

"What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask...with nothing beneath it?" Makes you think, huh?

He's a Rootin' Tootin' Cowboy!

My mom loves horses. Like, really, really loves horses. So much that she got the bigger package on her Dish so she could watch RFDTV. Don't know what that is? Don't worry-you're not missing much. It stands for Rural Farm TV. It's a bunch of cowboys that pretty much make home movies to teach you how to do whatever it is that horse people do. She would watch that over Criminal Minds...who does that?

I love watching her passion grow and flourish. It makes me happy to know that she is finally able to fulfill it...and it makes me even happier that she likes to share it. I also enjoy watching things that shes does with Connor because it reminds me of memories we made with her when we were young. She raised us on horses and now it's Connor's turn!

The Feminist Revolution....

seriously hurt our society. I am currently reading Dr. James Dobson's "Bringing Up Boys" and it has been such a wake-up call for me. Through the past year, I have been on a remarkable journey and it has led me right where I thought I would never be-HOME. I like what Sarah Palin said the other day on Oprah "You can have it all, just not a the same time." It is so true.

In the 1960's, the feminist movement started a wave that has greatly impacted young women and men today. The idea that we are born alike is bogus. Women are not men and men are not women. We are each created with unique capabilities meant to balance one another. America is raising confused kids, because gender lines have been blurred to the point that sometimes you don't know what is what. Yes, women deserve equal pay for equal work-that point I believe in. But the idea that we should leave all of our feminine desires aside to pursue a man's world just doesn't seem to sit right with me. The impact is that women are working more, home less and neglecting their children. Children need a parent in their lives-24/7. It has also confused a generation of men who no longer know how to be men...they are afraid to be masculine, be the hero, and do what is right even when it is not the popular thing (hello politicians). It has forced some women to be more masculine and to take on the role of men.

You can see it in schools and even in the books that were published around that time. The other day I was reading "The Little Engine that Could" to Connor. Anyone ever notice that the engine was a girl? And that the engines that refused to help were men? What kind of message is that sending to our kids-that men will abandon or not help you? I know that seems extreme, but the "brainwashing" starts young. Also, look at the scholarship programs or bring your daughter to work day program. Why are there more for girls than there are for boys? Check out the kids who act out in schools-I bet they are mostly boys. Curriculum is built for girls....boys need more play time and are not as able to sit still in school. They need to run and play-so why did we cut recess down to 20 minutes a day? Because we are supposed to be all the same? Well, we aren't.

I see friends who are busy in careers, school, and everything but what their gut is telling them...and it makes me sad. God truly smacked me over the head with my calling at this moment. This year, I am praying for friends to get smacked too-that there is only one life to live. There really is no award, medal, or good report that will ever make me want to go back to the daily grind of work life...at least yet. I find it interesting that things that used to make me jealous or awe-struck don't anymore.

So feminist movement-IN YOUR FACE.

Life has been a bit chaotic...

Well...life has been crazy here to say the least. If you don't know, I started staying home in September and well, I have been having so much fun with the FREEDOM! Every day Connor and I wake up, have breakfast, head out to the YMCA and I get to exercise for two whole hours. I started Zumba, something I said I would never do, and it is so much fun. I was taking Connor to a music class where he learned a lot of tones and beats-which he really picked up on.

Since September life has not really slowed much-we went from New Mexico for a visit, to Bellville for the Austin County Fair, Connor's dedication at Fairway, Baylor Homecoming, Chase's Wedding, Ashley's Bachelorette Cruise, Thanksgiving, Ashley & Ryan's wedding, and Christmas. Oh yeah, and throw in a guard weekend for me once a month! It's been busy!

I am still working on my masters, which was all a part of the five year plan that no longer exists. It's funny how God laughs at your well-made plans and says "I am mightier than you-try to out smart me!" It also so amazing to find that true happieness comes from trusting God more than yourself. I have had to learn to let go a lot this year-of my salary, my body, my future and just learn to depend on Him....and I have never been happier even though we're broke and I'm in a size 8 (from a 14-YIKES-in February) rather than a 6.

So, some Connor updates...the boy has gone from rolling, crawling, and yes, even a little WALKING! His current record is 4 steps, but no farther. He is truly becoming a mess and is into everything. The other day, he discovered how to flush the toilet and man was that some entertainment for him! He was so proud to hear the toilet flush over and over again. James has also taught him how to go feet first when he is on the couch or bed. Such a smart little boy he is :) He knows how to turn pages in books and his favorites right now are "That's Not My Airplane" and his book of colors. Each is a board book that has feeling things on each page and he likes to tough the different textures.

Here are a few pictures for you!!

Pure boy-grabbing and growling at Sammy on Christmas Eve.

We took Connor to see the lights at Midwestern State (where I'm getting my Masters)

Connor's first picture with Santa was at the 136th AW Christmas Party. He was not scared, but rather wanted to grab at the fur and his beard. He was a hit and the Wing Commander remembered him!

Why I love being a Mom

1) Connor doesn't care what my breath smells like or if my hair is dirty and not fixed.
2) He smiles at me...and it just makes all of the bad melt away.
3) I see God through everything Connor does. Smiles, laughs, cries...
4) I now know why my mom sacrificed everything. There is no greater honor & joy than giving your child everything they need & want-even if it is the skin off of your back.
5) All of the things I hate about myself-Connor loves them all, just becasue he doesn't see imperfection, only beauty.
6) I don't have to prove myself to him...just make him breakfast and give him hugs when he bumps his head.
7) There is no deadline. No rush to finish a project. No due date. Just a full-on lifetime of joy.
8) I can see everyone I love in one smiling face. I get constant reminders of my sister, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, Mom & Dad K, John, Josh...all of them.
9) He is my purpose on this earth. He is a well answered prayer.
10) No career, no degree, no finish-line can ever compare to the joy that is labor, delivery, and every day life with a child...just WOW.