Why I love being a Mom

1) Connor doesn't care what my breath smells like or if my hair is dirty and not fixed.
2) He smiles at me...and it just makes all of the bad melt away.
3) I see God through everything Connor does. Smiles, laughs, cries...
4) I now know why my mom sacrificed everything. There is no greater honor & joy than giving your child everything they need & want-even if it is the skin off of your back.
5) All of the things I hate about myself-Connor loves them all, just becasue he doesn't see imperfection, only beauty.
6) I don't have to prove myself to him...just make him breakfast and give him hugs when he bumps his head.
7) There is no deadline. No rush to finish a project. No due date. Just a full-on lifetime of joy.
8) I can see everyone I love in one smiling face. I get constant reminders of my sister, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, Mom & Dad K, John, Josh...all of them.
9) He is my purpose on this earth. He is a well answered prayer.
10) No career, no degree, no finish-line can ever compare to the joy that is labor, delivery, and every day life with a child...just WOW.

30 Friends in 30 Days

Can it be done? So, I'm finally done reading "Captivating" and I highly, highly recommend it to anyone (well all women, and I guess men would benefit too!). Anyway, so I started reading about spiritual warfare and trying to dig into where Satan might attack me in my life. Here it is: Satan attacks my relationships.

James hates it when I do this, but I honestly never answer my phone unless I absolutely have to. I get nervous and anxiety usually takes over it it's a friend calling that I haven't talked to in a long time. It's this feeling of...what am I going to say or what if they make me talk? Terrible I know! So, to fight back, I have decided that for 30 days, I vow to talk to a friend a day. It doesn't necessarily have to be on the phone, but that is a condition as well. I have to answer my phone (if I hear it!). Sometimes, I honestly don't hear it or my cell phone shuts off on its own. Honestly.

So, calling all friends: you will be hearing from me a lot this month. Even if it's been forever since I've talked to you. It's all part of the deal. To build new friendships and sustain the old ones. Or test me out, call me and see if I answer. It will be tough and I can't promise that I will make it through, but I will be putting my best foot forward!

Being a Mom

along with being in the military is hard. Really hard. I have found myself going back and forth this week with wanting to stay in and wanting to get out. I found myself crying leaving Connor a few times this week and it hit me: I really, REALLY want to be home, but am frightened at having the responsibility it will bring. I have turned in my paperwork to go into the guard or reserves and should find out pretty soon what the status is on that.

Thanks to Brooke, who always makes me think, I have been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has totally opened my eyes to the wonder and mystery of being a woman in ways that I have never seen. To think that we were God's final touch of his masterpiece. We were made to replenish, nourish and bring life to mankind.

So, to tie that in to the motherhood thing: no one can explain how much you love someone else. Really. I would give my arm for Connor to be happy or healthy or safe. I can see why my mom worked three jobs, went on welfare and gave up her own life for us. It all makes sense to me now. I have been nursing Connor and have been disappointed that I've had to start supplementing formula, but with my workload, I can't pump enough to sustain him for the day...and you can't explain to anyone else how that feels. That disappointment.

So, this is kind of all blabbing, but it has really been a tough couple of weeks. I want to be home so bad, but at work too. I want to be everything for everyone..but I have to stop and be Courtney. So, time to relax, take some leave and replenish my stamina....I can do this!!

Connor is three months old...

He's growing up so fast. He can coo & whizz, push up on his tummy, laugh & smile, scream REALLY loud. But most of all...he's just a great baby. He is happy wherever he is. Really. We visited his other great grandmother over Memorial Day weekend and I was so proud of his ability to hang and smile at her. It melted my heart. These are a few of the pictures he took with Micki Benoit. We have been going each month so far...and I'm so glad I'm doing it. She gets the best shots and I get to watch him grow. For more of the shoot go to: http://www.mbenoitphotography.com/.

We sat him in a tree and he did NOT cry!

And in grass with mosquitos (thankfully he did not get eaten alive!)

His eyes are just so beautiful.



He was checking out the cars passing by in this one. He's so much like James it's scary :)




I think he's starting to look like "Connor." He has the best of both of us, but I still see bits and pieces of my sister and my dad in him.

Our two year anniversary...

James and I have officially been married for two years. Our lives are so much different now than when we first got married. Since we got married, we have bought a house, added a cat...and had our son. We never thought that we would have a child at this point, but it is the most wonderful blessing. There are absolutely no words to describe how much a child can change your life for the BETTER. I have no idea how any parent would not want to spend every waking moment with their child. Anyway, I was so excited because this year, James not only listened to one of my hints-but TWO! He got me a James Avery Mother's Love pendant and a beautiful chain from Zales. I don't have a picture of that, but he also got me a Willow Tree called "Our Gift." I really love them and the only one who ever buys them for me is my Aunt Darcy. I mentioned to him that I really liked them, so he got this one for me.

My gift to James was a family gift-a three man tent that we can take anywhere with us. It is compact enough to carry, but BIG enough for ME!! I really think it will fit more like 4 people, but here's to new Killian family adventures!

James set it up in the living room to check it out!

Our beautiful son

There are no words to describe how much I love our son. I think to put it into words, you would have to compare God's love for all his children to my love for Connor.

The first two weeks after delivering, I truly missed having Connor all to myself. I remember the first time I took a bath and I seriously felt lonely. James never really knew this, but my bath time (that I got yelled at for because our water bill was through the roof for a few months) was my time for just me and Connor. That is when I would talk to him, sing to him, or just trace my fingers across my belly to see if he would kick. He usually did :) It is just weird that for nine whole months, he is always with you. You can go anywhere and he is there. So, there was a lot of jealousy during those first few weeks when EVERYONE and their mother wanted to have him.

As it gets closer (only a few more days) to my time to go back to work, I am a bit anxious and nervous to take Connor to daycare. I feel somewhat guilty that I'm excited to work again. I have really loved every minute of being home, but just don't feel at this time that being home is for me yet. I think I will need the next year to make an actual decision. I guess I felt like God would have this booming voice after I delivered giving me a decision...but....here I stand. Still on the fence. And, I feel guilty for not really being all that concerned about actually making a decision either. A lot of people want to ask what I'm going to do and my response is "what I'm doing already." Is that so wrong? People that know me really well know not to ask, because there is no point in discussing it. I truly love being an Air Force officer and feel that I have been led there by God. He has also led me to be a mother, which means for now, I get the opportunity to do both.

So, to second on Brooke's quest to PRAY BIG, I will be praying for an answer and that whatever God throws in our way, it's for the best for our family. The big prayer would be for the A-10 or F-15E for James. Either one would give me the answer I am looking for and either plane would be OK with James. You see, if he gets either, I could remain on active duty and keep our family together. If he doesn't get either, I will be hanging up the boots and trading them in for house slippers....I will say it's been nice being barefoot for 7 weeks =)

I do thank God for all the wonderful firsts I have gotten to see while I have been home. I have watched him grow from a 7 lb baby into almost 10 lbs and can roll over! Yes folks, he smiles and ROLLS over! What an advanced, strong little boy.

Giving Birth

Okay, so it has been over a month and I am finally ready to relive the torture we call the "miracle of birth." It's not so much torture, but a true labor of love. So the story goes...

I woke up at 7:00 a.m. on February 18, 2009 and got ready for work. I had been going in at 9, so needless to say this was a bit early for my normal routine. I was having some tightening in my stomach about every 30 minutes, but didn't think anything of it because I had been having Braxton Hicks for a few weeks. So, I went to work and lasted until 11:45...I was running around and everyone in the office was scared. I guess I was acting funny! Stopping every now and then with these cramps and then going about my normal business.

Once I got home, I took a bath (which is not part of the normal routine) which made me feel so much better. I was having these cramps about every 30 minutes and then had bloody show at about 3:30. I text messaged James and he came running home-

Once James got home from work we put together the stroller and went for a walk at 5:30. After that walk the contractions started coming harder and faster and eventually got to 5 minutes apart by 8:30 p.m. I was hesitant to call my mom, but James went ahead and called her and she started driving. (You see, I was still in denial and NOT ready for labor).

 

 

We decided to go to the hospital at 9:30 p.m. So, we got loaded up and headed out. Once there in triage they told me I was still only 2 c.m. dialated and 80 % effaced. They sent me home with an Ambien becasue they thought I was in pre-labor. Stupidly, I took the Ambien which made me go crazy becasue there was no way I was sleeping that night! The contractions got really difficult when we got home and I was trying to rest while contracting every three minutes. Poor James was trying to sleep with me laying down and getting up every three minutes!

 

 

I spent most of this time inbetween the bed and the toilet. For some reason, sitting on the toilet was very comforting. Luckily, it was a smart move! My water broke at 2:30 a.m. at home on the toilet. Awesome! My mom literally pulled into the driveway five minutes after it happened. Once she got there, we got back in the car and drove to the hospital...AGAIN! When we got there I started begging for the epidural....seriously...that was a lot of pain that I was not ready for. I really wanted to avoid it, but they would not let me have any other medication because I had dialated to a SEVEN! I really did most of my labor at home, which was part of my method-I just didn't expect to need something so desperately. The Ambien really clouded my ability to concentrate and focus through each contraction and I needed something that would let me sleep.

 

 

So, the first thing we did in the hospital was get the epidural. I dialated to a 10 quickly and started pushing at 5ish. Connor never dropped so when I started pushing he was at a +2 station (you are supposed to be at 0 or in the negatives when you start pushing). So, I was in for the long haul! I pushed for about two hours when my doctor came in and threatened the c-section. I begged him to let me continue pushing-I knew I could do it and was going to be serisouly disappointed if my epidural led to a c-section. So, by the time I was done, I had five L&D nurses (plus the head nurse) in the room coaching me and encouraging me along.

 

 

We finally got Connor into my pelvis where he was stuck because along with not having dropped, he never rotated. So, Dr. Jones whipped out the forceps, not so gently placed them into my pelvis and out he came! I think I screamed through one of the pushes and Dr. Jones had to yell at me to stop. I was not expecting him to come out as fast as he did and actually thought they were going to wheel me down to the O.R. after five minutes. But, he arrived at 8:35 a.m. on February 19, 2009. Here are a few pics of the process...

James with Connor

Connor's first picture

After the epidural...sleep it was for me!